Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
scared to check what name she chose
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed