Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
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I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
This is enough internet for the day.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Batman v Dracula
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again