My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*