Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]