what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
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Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
my dog when i have a friend over
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…