Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
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cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Barbie gone wild
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱