Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
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The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
catch me on valentine’s day like
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.