The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
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In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic