She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
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So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Get in loser we’re going crying
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.