[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
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Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Yup
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.