[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
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*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?