Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
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pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Well, shit
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
If you are reading this then you are reading this
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Think I pulled my liver
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
when you order from DoorDastardly
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡