date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
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No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Smells like a challenge to me
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack