*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
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*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Lucky old June.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱