want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
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Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Sheep
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I occasionally drink every single night.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours