He’s cranky this morning
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An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Sharon I have some bad news
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals