I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
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My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth