You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
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BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
The Backseat Boys
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.