To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
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You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.