Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
You Might Also Like
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I can also cook 😂
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My dryer is celebrating lint.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.