spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
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I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.