“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
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[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.