Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.