ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
You Might Also Like
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.