When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
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welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.