I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Tell the colonel to bring it
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”