You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
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new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
and now we wait
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.