Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
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The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”