After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
i wish we could shoplift online
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh