ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
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The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself