(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
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I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
my astrological sign is a french fry
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”