Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
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I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
so much to do
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics