[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
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Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now