Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
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“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.