I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
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“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit