Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
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The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
look at me when i’m typing to you
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”