I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
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Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*