There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
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me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
necessity is the mother of invention
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.