My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
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*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*