sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
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If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
*me flirting
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.