HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
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Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
The old gods are rising again.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above