WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
You Might Also Like
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP