When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else