Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
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Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x