Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
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[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?