Realize this:
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John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I have questions??
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.