My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
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Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.