“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
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If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.