Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
You Might Also Like
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup