I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
You Might Also Like
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Goat cheese is for herders.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?